Creating Boundaries in Relationships
Once you have set boundaries with yourself, the next step is to set boundaries in relationships. When I talk about relationships here, I am referring to romantic relationships, family relationships or friend relationships. They all have very different dynamics but they all need boundaries.
Relationships are two-way streets. It can feel a little icky to think of them this way, but both parties in the relationship should be getting something out of the relationship. This doesn’t have to be the same thing for each person. You can get support, understanding, romantic love, platonic love, safety, creativity, joy, guidance and confidence from a relationship, to name a few.
In this same sense, not all relationships are created equal. When setting boundaries with someone, it is important to identify the function of a relationship in your life. Just as family relationships can have a different function, so too can friendship relationships. For example, you may confide some things to your sibling that you would not necessarily confide to your parents. This is the same for friendships. You wouldn’t take a road trip with every friend you have or tell every friend about a difficult experience that you are having and that is ok.
And when you don’t set boundaries in relationships and you are giving more than you are receiving it can burn you out. This doesn’t mean that you have to end imbalanced relationships, rather mindfully examine how this relationship is functioning in your life and proceed by setting boundaries to make it so this relationship is not draining you beyond your limit. Not every point in a relationship is going to be positive, but you shouldn’t feel overextended.
To set boundaries in relationships, start by practicing saying, “no”. This is not easy, especially in relationships because the emotional attachments and history that we have with that person, complicate our responses. For example, if a stranger asked you for a ride to the airport at 4am it would be easy to say “no” but if it is your sibling, and you know that they have just gone through a tough break-up, it might make saying “no” a little harder.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t drive your sibling to the airport at 4am. Here you can take the chance to mindfully approach your decision. Examine the different circumstances that impact this decision. Do you want have to go to work in the morning? Did your sibling have the chance to book another flight? Is the airport far away? How much would a ride-share service or taxi cab cost? Does your sibling do this a lot? The basic element of making this decision is harm versus gain. Maybe you do have to go to work in the morning but will enjoy the hour-long drive and having the opportunity to have a long conversation with your sibling.
As shown above, making decisions in relationships is not always an instantaneous process. Giving a friend a large sum of money is going to be a longer decision process than giving a friend another piece of cake. Allow yourself space in the relationship to think about your responses and find balance.
When you start saying, “no” and setting boundaries in relationships, this might result in tension in the relationship. This is normal because on both sides, setting boundaries won’t feel great in the moment. Again, it is important here to be mindful and weigh the short term versus long term benefits of setting boundaries. In the short term, saying, “no”, to a friend who wants to constantly spend time with you will not feel nice. That friend might lash out and push against the boundaries. However, in the long term, you are building the foundation for a relationship that is balanced between you and your friend.
Hopefully you can use this information to start examining your relationships and find where boundaries might benefit you. Being mindful and setting boundaries are not instantaneous practices and require repetition. With regular practice, it will become easier to find your balance within your relationships.