Radical Acceptance: A DBT Skill

I feel like radical acceptance is one of the cornerstones of DBT and it is also a concept that I myself struggle with. It can be a difficult idea to get on board with because it can feel like radically accepting limitations or traumas is giving them approval. That is not what radical acceptance is about. Radical acceptance means that you are acknowledging and accepting reality. It is saying that these certain things happened or this is the way that I can operate. The reason why this is helpful is because once we have accepted reality, we can then problem solve and change that reality.

When I was first presented with the concept of radical acceptance during my DBT training, I thought, “I always accept reality” or “of course you need to accept reality”. It seemed like a no-brainer or something that was easy to practice. What I’ve found is that radical acceptance goes much deeper and as I examined parts of my life where I was having tension or difficulties, I found that I wasn’t as accepting of reality as I thought I was. 

Here is an example that I use all the time to explain radical acceptance:

When I moved from one neighborhood in Philadelphia to another, I moved from a place where buses originated from to a place in the middle of different bus routes. This meant that for the most part, the bus was not on time and I would frequently be late. The first emotions I experienced when dealing with this issue were anger and frustration. I could have sat with this anger and frustration and been the coworker who complains about the bus all the time, which, I will admit, I probably was for a little bit.

Instead of sitting in my anger, I worked on accepting the reality that because I moved, I could not rely on the buses to be on time and I could realize that my anger and frustration were because I was feeling out of control in this situation. The added half hour to my commute didn’t help my emotional state either.

Because I accepted the reality of the bus being late, I was then able to work on a solution to change the reality that if I commute with the bus, it will add at least 30 minutes to my commute and I run the risk of being late to work. My options were really only to stay with the bus and continue to accept this reality or find another way to commute. My family eventually bought a hybrid vehicle and that changed my reality (next was accepting the reality of there being no parking).

Here is another example about accepting limitations:

I am a forgetful person. Even now, there is a little bit of myself that rebels against that thought, not wanting to accept it, but it’s true. I forget things all the time. I’m constantly looking for my phone because I can’t remember where I put it. I will forget people’s names as soon as I meet them. If a bill is not due at the beginning of the month, there is a high chance that I will forget about it. It is ok to be forgetful and It doesn’t mean that I am a bad person.

If I didn’t want to accept this fact, it would be easy for me to give into negative self-talk about being forgetful and it may lead to me forgetting really important things. I have accepted this part of myself and because I have, I am able to problem solve and put into place behaviors and habits that will make it easier for me to operate.

One of those is putting my keys away in the same place every time when I get home. That reduces the scrambling to find them when I’m late for something and I have to leave. I also keep a pretty detailed schedule. I write down my appointments both physically and digitally. This helps me to remember and I check them both frequently. I also keep a list of things that I would like to do (in my bullet journal!) so that way I don’t forget. I use a pill caddy for my medication, so I don’t have to stress about if I have taken my medication or not (and count all the pills in the bottle to check). These are just a few ways that I have been able to problem solve with my limitation of being forgetful.

I know that the bus and forgetting examples are only small, and not overly emotional examples of accepting reality, however, practicing radical acceptance on the small things makes it easier to radically accept larger things. As with any skill, radical acceptance requires practice. If you would like to know more about radical acceptance and ways to practice it, check out the DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan.