Checking the Facts - A DBT Skill

I’m very passionate about all the amazing skills DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) can build. If I take a moment to analyze my day, I can break it down and recognize all the different DBT skills I’ve incorporated into my life. “Checking the Facts” has been an especially helpful one. 

 I tend to mind read. I over analyze social situations and try to read in between the lines. I will sit and ruminate over conversations that I’ve had and try to find ways to harmfully validate my insecurities. I was able to break out of this cycle by stepping back from my thoughts (using mindfulness) and checking the facts of the situation. This way, I can determine whether or not my emotions in those situations have facts to back them up. That doesn’t mean that if I’m feeling upset, I’m not feeling upset. It means that my upset feeling is being triggered by my biased interpretation of the situation and not the facts. All emotions are valid but not all emotions are justified.

 Here is an example: I send my friend a text message, it’s not anything important, just a check-in text, “Hey, thinking about you. How are you doing?”. Two hours go by and they haven’t replied. Here come those intrusive thoughts, first asking questions like, “Why do you think they haven’t replied?” or “Did you say anything wrong?”. Then another two hours go by without a reply and my intrusive thoughts answer their own question: “They haven’t replied because they don’t like you any more” or “Do you remember that time three years ago when you said that thing to them and they didn’t look happy? Of course you said something wrong.” Now my thoughts are in a spiral and my emotions are taking hold. If I follow those emotions, I might send 5 more texts hoping for a quick response or spend the entire day giving into those thoughts and hating on myself. Does this sound familiar to you? 

 Don’t worry, there is a way to break the cycle. First, we need to identify when these situations are happening and that is going to take some mindfulness practice. When we have identified those situations, we need to take a step back from the emotional cycle to take an objective look at the situation. Act like a detective and try look at the situation non-judgmentally. That means not attaching emotions to our observations. 

Let’s try this with my text to my friend. My emotions in this situation are sadness, loneliness and rejection. Here is a good moment to proceed with non-judgement. My emotions are valid because I am feeling them. Don’t let another negative thought spiral start by judging your emotions. My interpretation of the situation is that my friend must not like me anymore because they didn’t respond to my text and that’s what is prompting my emotions.  

Now let’s gather some facts about this situation:

Has my friend ever told me that they don’t like me? – No

Does my friend usually respond to texts right away? – No, they have a job where they don’t have their phone on them for long periods of time.

Was there anything provocative in my check-in text? – No

Was my last text conversation with my friend negatively charged? – No

Does my friend hate me? – No

With these questions, I’ve determined that my emotions (although valid) are not justified. 

So, we have checked the facts, what is the next step? Negative thoughts like the ones I described usually have well-worn paths in the brain, making it easy for them to proceed. Checking the facts is a way to forge new positive pathways in our brain. As we begin to use these new paths, the negative pathways become overgrown and harder to traverse. Think about all the times that those negative thought spirals have started. We will need to follow those positive pathways just as many times. Checking the facts is a step towards thinking positively and remember, no one can read mind